Ronald Weasley and the Holy Grail
by Alicia Weasley
Summary: Here be the tale of good Sir Ron and his knights as they quest for the Holy Grail. See them confront the dreaded Knights Who Say Ni! The French Guards at Castle Arrrrrgh! HELLOO?! Where is everybody? I updated it! CHAPTER SIX!!
1. Chapter One: The Beginning (duh!)

A/N: This is just a product of me trying to cross my two favourite obsessions: Monty Python and Harry Potter. Hehe… they might even run across some of my other obsessions in here somewhere… just wait and see.  Ummm... sorry the first chapter is so short, I promise to make the other ones a lot longer. Mind you, I'm not going to waste my time and continue if none of you review.  **cough cough, nudge nudge** Anyway, just read it. Hehe

            ~~Alicia Weasley

Disclaimer: No one, not Harry, not Hermione, not Ron, not Monty, not any of the Sirs… not King Arthur… no one, belongs to me. All the Harry stuff and people belong to my heroine and mentor J.K. Rowling, King Arthur belongs to himself I guess, and the Sirs belong to themselves also. The other Monty Python stuff belongs to the Monty Python gang, John Cleese et al. Because I don't feel like writing all their names. So ha.

And Now For….

~*Ronald Weasley and the Holy Grail!*~

"Hey guys!" Harry called out to Ron and Hermione as he rounded the corner of the hall. They were talking in low voices about something.

"Hi, Harry..." Ron mumbled.

"Hello," Hermione said.

"What's wrong?" Harry asked.

"Oh, nothing's really... wrong... just.... weird." Hermione said.

"Well then, what's weird?" Harry corrected himself.

"Ron, maybe you should tell him, it is your... erm..." Hermione searched for the right word.

"Quest," Ron finished. He finally looked up. "Harry, you're not going to believe me, but..."

"Try me," Harry said patiently.

Ron took a deep breath. 

"Oh, honestly. You're not pregnant or anything, are you?" Harry asked.

Several people stopped and stared. The hall got unbelievably quiet.

"Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else," Ron mumbled, and dragged Harry and Hermione along with him.

When they arrived in the common room, they all plopped into three overstuffed chairs.

Ron glared at Harry.

"You didn't have to be so loud." He hissed.

"Sorry, but please tell me what's going on."

Ron sighed. "Okay... well... yesterday, after Quidditch practice, you ran off to charms, Harry. But I stayed behind. I just wanted to wander around a bit longer, you know, clear my head sort of."

"Okay, I don't see anything weird so far..." Harry interrupted.

"And you're not if you don't keep quiet," he warned. "Anyway, I was just coming past that fountain... the one with the statue of Godric Gryffindor, when this beam of light was all of a sudden shining on me. I looked up, and I saw..." he looked around. "God." 

"Gasp!" Harry said.

"No! That's not all! He gave me a quest.... to... erm... find... erm..." Ron scratched his head in thought.

"The Holy Grail." said Hermione.

"Yeah! That's it!" Ron said.

Harry stared in awe. God must have thought he already had too much to deal with to try and find some royal cup.

"What's the Holy Grail?" Harry said, getting his speech back.

"It's the goblet that Jesus drank out of at The Last Supper." Hermione stated.

"Oh," Harry mumbled. Then he lashed out at all the people who think that he worships the Devil. "See?" he yelled. He pointed at Hermione. "I bet all you stupid Muggles didn't even know that! Ha!"

Hermione put her hand on Harry to calm him down.

"Sorry. But wasn't that already found? By... erm... King... King Arthur and somebody?"

"No, they failed at the last minute." Hermione told him. "Now it's up to us to find it."

"But... but... King Arthur had more people! Sir Lancelot... Sir Galahad..." Harry counted on his fingers. "Sir Robin... Sir...erm..." 

"Well... they weren't magical!" Ron spoke up for the first time since explaining what happened.

"That's right! We'll blow those... erm... gee... whatever gets in our way to smithereens!" Harry said. He was really getting worked up over this thing.

Ron stood up, a beam of light shining down on him. " With the..." he produced something from his pocket. "Holy Handgrenade!" **Bum, ba da bum bum bum bum, ba da bum bum bum bum, ba da bum bum bum bummmmmmmmmm!!!**

"Where did that come from?" Hermione asked, looking around for the source of the light and the music.

Ron shrugged.

"It was just all of a sudden in my pocket," he said.

"What are we going to need for all of this? Will Dumbledore even let us go? Are we old enough? Will we need minstrels?" Harry asked.

Ron shrugged again.

"I'll ask Dumbledore, if God chose us, I guess we're old enough, and my cousin has a few minstrels, I'm sure he'd let us borrow them," Ron said.

"When do we start?" asked Hermione.

"I guess as soon as we can," said Ron. "Better get a good night's sleep!" he added cheerfully.

"Why did I have to meet you on that train? Why didn't I shake hands with Draco? Why, why why?" Harry groaned.

                         *                                       *                                          *

A/N: Now, if you want me to continue, REVIEW! Or even if you don't, flames are welcome. The more reviews I get, the faster I'll write. So REVIEW! Now!


	2. Chapter Two: Leaving Hogwarts

Chapter Two

~*~

         Sometimes, as I'm sure we all know, it is helpful to think things over. For instance, if you were an important business executive, and you had an important business meeting one morning, it would be helpful to think over all of your important business notes and letters and other things necessary for important business meetings beforehand. Or, if you were an old grandma or grandpa, and you were to babysit your little grandchildren one weekend, it would be helpful to plan your weekend accordingly, so that you have time to entertain the children so that they do not become bored and go get themselves stuck down a well. 

         Or, if you were three newfound knights who were due to find a very important Grail, it would be helpful to think over your quest beforehand. It took  three weeks to get everything worked out with Dumbledore, Ron's cousin, and God. Well, maybe not so much God, but the other two for certain. But although they had three weeks, Ron, Harry, and Hermione didn't think over their circumstances one bit.

         Ron and Harry were packing frantically in the domitory. Harry was muttering all kinds of nonsense to himself, and Ron was going through his trunk, throwing everything he didn't need all over the room.

         "Ron! I know you're proud of them, but please keep your dainties to yourself," Harry said, pulling one of Ron's rather girlish-looking acticles of underpants off of his head.

         Ron turned bright red and retrieved his undergarmentry from Harry's disgusted-looking cranium.

          "We haven't had any time at all to think this quest over beforehand! What are we going to do? We won't be prepared if… if… say extremely rude Frenchmen fire livestock at us over a fortress?" Ron said all this very fast, and he had beads off sweat splashing off of him in a very cartoonish way.

            "Calm down, Ron," Harry said. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure no Frenchmen will… erm.. what was that?"

            "What?" 

            "Ermm… nothing."

            "Right." Ron looked around. "Do we have any fresh fruit?" 

            "Emm… not that I know of, why?" 

            "I don't know, I just thought we should be prepared…"

            "Well, we'll pick up some on our way down."

~*~

            Meanwhile, Hermione was pacing the dormitory, lecturing herself on not thinking the quest over beforehand.

            "Hermione are you sure you don't need any help? You seem a little… distracted…" Ginny asked her, looking very concerned.

            "No, no… I'm… I'm fine. Really," she muttered.

            "Well… if you're sure…" 

            "I have to go," Hermione said. 

            "I hope you'll be okay…" Ginny whispered, but she didn't really mean to. It sounded as if she was… crying?

            Hermione hugged her.

            "I'll be fine. Trust me. Please don't cry… you're making me…" Hermione then fell captive to a series of soap-opera-like actions such as crying, hugging, and… what was that other thing? Oh well.

            "How long will you be gone?" Ginny asked, once the embarrassing As The World Turns episode was coming to an end. 

            "I don't know," Hermione replied, emmitting one last loud sniff. "As long as it takes, I guess." 

            "Please hurry up…" Ginny was about to start again.

            Hermione smiled. "I will. But I have to go now… see you later."

            Ginny just nodded, then gave Hermione another quick hug.

            "Goodbye," Hermione said, then headed down to the common room to meet Ron and Harry.

~*~

            Ron, Harry, and Hermione stopped in front of the front doors to have one last look at the inside of Hogwarts.

            "I'm going to miss this place a lot," Harry said. 

            "Me too. I can't believe we're leaving," Hermione said, still with a little hint of As The World Turns in her voice.

            "Well, we're not really _leaving_… it's more like… like going on an involuntary holiday," Ron suggested. Harry and Hermione looked at him as if he had just said, "Look out! The rabid, disgusting, big, hairy, purple mongoose is about to fly into you!"

            "I can't stand all of this As The World Turns mush anymore," Harry said defiantly. "Let's just get it over with." And without any consent from Ron and Hermione, he opened the huge door leading out to the grounds.

            They were expecting a nice, peaceful, quiet walk to the train station in Hogsmeade, maybe to wander by the edge of the lake for a while. But when Harry opened the door, they were greeted by a deafening roar, which was not made by a lion or another carnivirous beast, but by everyone in Hogwarts, clapping and cheering and other things you might do at such occasions.  They were lined up on either side of the path, much like guests at weddings do when about to soil your beautiful gown with rice. 

            Harry, Ron, and Hermione took one last look at Hogwarts, sighed, and started on the long, clichèd walk to Hogsmeade.

~*~

A/N: Well, that's the end of that chapter, but don't worry, I'll write the other one as quickly as possible. This one would have been up sooner, but my dad grounded me from the computer for two days, so I didn't get much writing time. Review and tell me your ideas for the other chapters. Should I put in some of those other MP skits like the Dirty Fork scene and the dead parrot thing? Or maybe you have others? Please tell me if you liked my Lemony Snicket impersonation. Obviously, I'll never be as funny as he is, but at least I tried. Hehe. :o)


	3. Chapter Three: Meeting the Baudelaires

A/N: Okay, Chapter Three…. Ermmm… yeah. Well, here it is. I tried to make it a bit longer than the others. Hope you like it!

~*~

Chapter Three

~*~

_Sir Ronald is a brilliant knight,_

_Chosen by the Lord,_

_With his shining armor, and his jewel-encrusted sword._

_His fellow sir and lady ever fighting by his side,_

_No matter what they face, they will never run and hide._

            Ron's cousin's minstrels finished their annoying, nonsense song for the fourth time since boarding the train leaving Hogsmeade. 

            "Look, I'm going to tell you one last time," Ron said coldly, an inch away from the lead minstrel's face. "I may be a knight, my sword may be jewel-encrusted, Harry and Hermione may be coming along, and I appreciate your encouragement, but STOP YOUR BLOODY SINGING!" 

            "Hey, he appreciates our song!" the lead minstrel said cheerfully. "One more time, boys!" 

            Ron growled as the minstrels stuck up the infernal melody once more.

~*~

            "Next stop, Lachrymose! Lachrymose next!" The conductor's huge voice boomed through the compartments.

            "Gasp!" said Ron. "We've got to get ready! That's our stop!"

            "Lachrymose?" said Harry. "I thought we were going to Camelot."

            "You know Camelot doesn't exist anymore… the area's now called Lachrymose," Hermione told him.

            "Lachrymose! We've arrived at Lachrymose!" the conductor bellowed.

            "Come on, guys! We've got to go!" Ron shouted.

            Hermione and Harry gathered their things and followed Ron out of the train.

~*~

            Ron, Harry, Hermione, the minstrels, and a servant called Fatsy took about three steps out of the train station, but they couldn't take anymore, unless they wanted to go for a less-than-refreshing swim, because right where their toes ended, Lachrymose Lake began. If you saw this lake, you might say something to the effect of, "Oh, what a lovely lake! Maybe I'll forget all about my important business meeting and go for a swim!" But if you did forget all about you important business meeting and went for a swim, you wouldn't attend anymore important business meetings at all. Because Lachrymose Lake was infested with tiny, vicious little leeches.  But the Lachrymose Leeches are not the kind that stick on to little girls who live by creeks's legs, they were attracted to people who had just eaten food. And if, less than an hour before you decided to forget all about your important business meeting and go for a swim, you had eaten a lovely picnic, the Lachrymose Leeches will swarm around you, and you would never live to see another important business meeting again.

            "Watch out for them leeches," The old conductor warned them. "Them leeches got six rows o' sharp teeth, an' a mighty sharp nose. They can smell food on yeh from all the way across the lake. An' if you don' wait an hour after yeh eat, you're a goner." 

            Harry gulped. "It's er… it's nice of you t-to warn us," he said, in a voice that was almost inaudible, a word which here means, "so quiet, that Ron, Hermione, the minstrels, Fatsy, and the conductor had trouble hearing him."

            "Ah, don' worry too much 'bout it, lad. Them leeches won' come anywhere near yeh if yeh ain't eaten lately," the conductor said as he ruffled Harry's hair a bit. Harry grimaced and tried to smooth it back down. The conductor glanced at his watch. "Well, better get back to the train. Good luck, knights o'… knights o'… erm, what's it that you're callin' yerselves?"

            "The Knights…"-Ron paused dramatically-"of the Square Table."

            The conductor grinned. "All right, well, good luck, o Knights o' the Square Table." He snickered.

~*~

            "Knights of the Square Table? What were you thinking?!" Hermione hissed. She, Ron, Harry, and Fatsy were all seated on random pieces of furniture in a rather ratty hotel room. The minstrels had gotten a room to themselves.

            "Well, King Arthur's knight's were called the Knights of the Round Table, so why not square?" Ron asked.

            "It sounds silly!" Harry said.

            "Well, I'm sure the Knights of the Round Table sounded funny to them back then, too!"

            "Fine. But just don't go about pausing all dramatically, like it's such a great name," Hermione said gruffly.

            "If you all think it's so awful, why don't you think of one?"

            "Well, personally, I don't think it's so bad, my liege," Fatsy said timidly.

            "Thank you, Fatsy. Oh by the way, did you find the coconuts?"

            "Oh yes, my liege, they're right here." Fatsy produced two halves of a coconut, and hit them together in demonstration. They made a lovely horse-like clop-clop sound.

            "What are those for?" Harry asked.

            Ron blushed. "Well, we couldn't really afford horses… so…"

            "Oh no, don't tell me we're going to gallop about banging those together!" Hermione said incredulously.

            Ron blushed all the more and looked at the floor sheepishly.

            "Excuse me, my liege, but I think it's a rather good idea," said Fatsy.

            "Thanks, Fatsy," he mumbled.

            Harry sighed. "Can we please just focus on what we're going to do tomorrow when we start our journey?"

            Ron looked up. He slowly produced a map from his pocket. He spread it out on the middle of the floor.

            "We're right here," he said, pointing to a spot on the side of a big blue spot, symbolizing the lake. "I thought we'd set off across the lake, to save time, so we won't have to travel too much at night, unless you want to go around."

            "W-well… okay…just as long as we eat an early breakfast… I don't like the sound of those leeches," Harry said.

            "Right. Then we'll arrive at a castle, a little ways past the other side of the lake. I'm not sure who lives there, but we'll find out from someone, I suppose. So we set off tomorrow. Right then, get a good night's rest, everyone. Sorry it's a bit cramped in here."

~*~

_Awake, awake, good sir knight,_

_For morning, she is here._

_Don't waste all day in your room,_

_Sitting on your rear._

_You have a quest to-      _

            "Arrrrgh!" Ron shouted. He sat up in bed with his eyes still half-closed. "What's wrong with you minstrels? I told you to cut that out! My cousin may let you wake him up early in the morning with an annoying hymn, but I'm borrowing you, so therefore you are in my custody! And I said _no more bloody singing_!"

            "No," the lead minstrel said glumly. "Robin won't let us sing. He locks us up in the cellar when he's not using us." He sniffed. "We may be minstrels, but we have feelings, too!" He finished passionately. The other three minstrels nodded and clapped.

            "Robin? As in _Sir_ Robin?" Harry asked.

            "Well, he is Robin the 14th, so you never know, do you?" Ron replied, and then yawned.

            "I remember my great-grandfather, telling me a story about his great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-ow!" He received a jab in the ribs by another minstrel. "Ahem, well, about fourteen generations back, and how he was in the company of Sir Robin himself."

            "Gasp, Ron, you're related to a Knight of the Round Table!" Hermione gasped.

            "That must be why God chose me," he said, looking up at the cracked ceiling. A bit of plaster fell on his face.

            "And fourteen generations from now, your descendants will be saying, 'Gasp, I'm related to a Knight of the Square Table!'" Harry said jokingly.

            "Shut up," Ron said, throwing a pillow at him. "Besides, yours will be saying a lot more than that. 'I'm related to the Boy Who Lived, the only known defeater of You-Know-Who, the youngest Seeker in a century, and a Knight of the Square Table!'" he added glumly.

            "Cheer up, my liege, you will be in many books and stories, also, you'll see," Fatsy said kindly. "I can see it now, 'Ronald Weasley and the Holy Grail'!" 

            "Yeah, and also, 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone', 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets', 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban', 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire', 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix'…" Ron said, sounding more depressed with each title.

            "'Order of the Phoenix'? What's that one for?" Harry asked.

            "It's bound to happen," Ron said with a shrug.

~*~

            Ron, Harry… and everyone else galloped toward Damocles Dock, with Fatsy galloping in the back, banging the coconuts together. 

            When they "dismounted" from their "horses" and Damocles Dock, they were "greeted" by a man named "Captain Sham".

            There are many situations in which you use quotation marks. One is when someone is talking. Another is if you are quoting a title of something. And yet another is when you want to suggest that something is not real. You have most likely seen people hold up two fingers on each hand and bend them twice while saying something, as if they were acting out the Little Bunny Foo-Foo song. When doing this, they are most likely suggesting that the thing they have just said is not real, unless they are a secret agent communicating in a bending-two-fingers-while-saying-things code. 

            When I quotated those things just up there, I was suggesting that they are not real. Because, as you know, Ron and his knights don't have horses, so they cannot dismount from them. But, as you may not know, "Captain Sham" is not really Captain Sham. He is a despicable man named Count Olaf. And he did not actually "greet" them. He rather glared at them and smirked.

            "Erm... he-hello," Ron stuttered, a bit frightened by the evil-looking man.

            The man's face suddenly stretched into an awful-looking smile, which looked horribly out of place on his face.

            "Why hello, good sir knight!" he said "gleefully". "I am Count -ahem- _Captain_ Sham. How can I help you today?"

            "Erm…  w-we kind of wanted t-to use a boat t-to get across th-the lake,"

            "Captain Sham" did not answer.

            "Yes, w-well… do you have a-any b-boats?"

            Silence.

            "R-right, well, we'll have a look, shall we?" Ron said, and then started to walk towards the boats.

            "None shall pass," said Captain Sham.

            "What?" asked Ron.

            "None shall pass."

            "I have no quarrel with you, Captain, but I must cross this lake," Ron said with an air of regality, a phrase which here means, "using old English grammar."

            "Then you shall die."

            "I command you to stand aside!"

            "I move for no man!"

            "So be it!"

            And with that, Ron charged at "Captain Sham", and cut his left arm off with his jewel-encrusted sword.

            "Now stand aside worthy adversary."

            "'Tis but a scratch!"

            "A scratch? Your arm's off!"

            "I've had worse!"

            "You liar!"

            "Come on you pansy!"

            Then, Ron charged at "Captain Sham" again, this time cutting his right arm off.

            "Victory is mine!" Ron knelt down. "I thank thee, oh Lord, that in thy merc- ow!" "Captain Sham" kicked him in the head.

            "Come on then!" he shouted.

            "What?"

            "Have at you!"

            "You are indeed brave, Captain, but the fight is mine."

            "Oh, had enough, eh?"

            "Look, you stupid git, you've got no arms left!"

            "Yes I have."

            "What's that, then?" Ron said as he pointed to "Captain Sham's" arms, lying on the ground.

            "It's just a flesh wound!" he said as he head butted Ron in the chest.

            "Look, stop that!"

            "Chicken, chicken! Bwak! Bwak!"

            "Look, I'll have your leg!" he said, and chopped "Captain Sham's" left leg off.

            "Right, I'll do you for that!"

            "You'll what?"

            "Come here!"

            "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

            "I'm invincible!"

            "You're a loony."

            "Captain Sham always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then!"

            Ron sighed and stuck out his sword, to chop "Sham's" right leg off.

            "All right, we'll call it a draw," said Sham.

            "Come, Fatsy," said Ron, and they all "rode" toward the boats lined up on the dock.

            "Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow prats! Come back and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!" he called after them.

~*~

            Ron and company were looking at a particularly nice motorboat, when they heard voices from their left.

            "Sunny, you're biting me!" It was the voice of a young boy.

            "Heykoo!" That sounded like a baby.

            "Shh! Captain Sham will find us!" That had to be a girl, she sounded a little older than the boy.

            "H-hello?" Ron said, calling out to his left.

            "Sunny, see if it's safe," the girl whispered.

            A little head of a baby girl poked up from an old boat. It spotted Ron, and smiled, then went back under. 

            "Gamdou!" she whispered, then crawled out of the boat. She was followed by a girl almost as tall as Ron, and a boy just a head shorter than the girl.

            "Hi," said the girl. She was wearing a tattered purple dress. "I'm Violet Baudelaire. This is my brother Klaus, and my sister Sunny." She smiled.  "I'm sure you don't see three children wearing dirty, tattered clothes crawl out of an old boat everyday, but we are hiding from an evil man named Count Olaf." She shuddered. "He makes our life miserable. He killed our parents, and many of our relatives. Am I talking too much? I'm sorry. It's just that we haven't seen many children around our age lately."

            _Greetings, Baudelaires, we're so sorry about that._

_            It must be awful to be chased by-_

"Shut up!" Harry said to the minstrels.

"Oh, that's so sad. I'm sorry," Hermione said kindly.

            "It's all right. Our only friends, the Quagmire triplets, have been kidnapped by Olaf."

            "Aw, I'm so sorry… is there anything we can do to help? Do you want something to eat? You can even come with us if you like." Ron said.

            Harry looked at him incredulously.

            "Well, we haven't eaten in a while," Klaus said.

            "Klaus, don't impose," Violet said.

            "Oh, no! It's not any trouble at all! We've got loads of food! Lamb, carp, anchovies, orangutans, breakfast cereals…" Hermione said.

            Violet smiled. 

            "Samwa?" Sunny asked.

            "My sister means, 'Who would eat orangutans?'" Klaus told them.

            "Did I say orangutans? I meant oranges," Hermione giggled.

            Klaus smiled.

            "Come on, we can all eat in this boat," Ron said.

            "No, Ron! Remember what the conductor said? 'If you eat less than an hour before going out on the lake, the leeches will get you.'" Hermione warned.

            "Then we'll just have to eat on the dock, and then wait an hour. It won't cut into our schedule at all," Ron said.

            "Oh, we can't get up on the dock. Count Olaf will see us," Violet said.

            "What does he look like? I'll go and see if he's anywhere around," Ron said bravely.

            "Sourcil un tatuajue." said Sunny.

            "She means that Olaf has one eyebrow, and has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle."

            "And he has very shiny eyes," Klaus added.

            "Oh! I saw a man who looked like that when we came in, but he had a peg leg and an eye patch," Harry said.

            "That's Count Olaf! But he calls himself Captain Sham," Klaus told them.

            "Oh, you don't have to worry about him anymore. I cut all his limbs off, that git," Ron scoffed.

            "You-you what?" Klaus asked, his eyes as wide as the rims of his glasses. 

            "He wouldn't let us go without a fight, so I cut all his limbs off. He brought it upon himself. I didn't even mean to cut his arm off, but when I did, and I started to thank God that I had won, he kicked me in the head."

            "How rude!" Violet said. "You're not supposed to disturb people while they're praying!"

            "Yeah, I know. So anyway, what do you say we eat? We can talk about everything over a nice breakfast," Ron suggested.

~*~

            "So," Ron said to Violet, picking up another biscuit. "Your Aunt Josephine was afraid of _doorknobs?_"

            Violet grinned. "Yes, she was a little eccentric. She used to live on that mountain up there." Violet pointed to a high mountain on the edge of the lake. Some of the top was leveled, as if a house used to be there.

            "Did you like living there?" Hermione asked.

            "Not really," Klaus said. "She was afraid of the oven, so we always had to eat cold soup, and the only books she had were on grammar."

            "You like to read?" Hermione asked.

            "Of course! It's my favourite thing to do! I read whenever I can."

            Ron smiled in mid-bite and glanced at Hermione. She looked extremely pleased.

            "Me too!" she said cheerfully. 

            "What do you like to do, Violet?" Ron asked.

            "Oh, I love to invent things," she said.

            "Violet has gotten us out of a lot of bad circumstances with her inventions. She's a genius!" Klaus said.

            "You have too, Klaus, remember you researched nuptial law when we stayed with Count Olaf, and then you helped by reading those boring books on grammar when we lived here."

            "Kudos!" Sunny said.

            "And Sunny has been very helpful, too," Violet smiled. "She has four very sharp teeth, and enjoys biting hard things. She's helped us nearly every time we've been in trouble."

            "You all are certainly interesting people!" Harry said.

            "Rather good-looking, too," Ron whispered to Harry. "So, you're not staying with anyone now?" he asked.

            "No, we figured that none of our guardians have been as helpful as we have been to each other, so are trying to take care of ourselves," Violet said.

            "Well, would you ever consider… maybe you could come along with us?" Hermione asked nervously.

            "Well, where is it exactly that you're going?" Klaus asked.

            "Oh, long story. We have to wait an hour anyway, so we'll tell you," Ron said.

            "All right," Violet said with a smile.

~*~

A/N: Did you like that one? Rather… erm… different, isn't it? Yes, Lady Norbert, I'll make you the bridge keeper LoL. Have fun in the Gorge of Eternal Peril! Okay… how should I make this story end? As I'm sure we all know, Monty Python and the Holy Grail ends terribly. I hate it I hate it I hate it! So tell me how I should end it. **drums fingers on desk and hums…** Did you like the Baudelaires? Isn't Klaus perfect for Hermione? Well, not really, but… 

:o)


	4. Chapter Four: A Random Assortment of Not...

A/N: I'm trying to write as fast as I can, but I have a stupid science fair project to do. I hate those things. They put too much stress on people. Grr… okay, well, here's chapter four…

~*~

Chapter Four

~*~

            "Well, that certainly is an interesting quest," Violet said, after hearing the whole story. The whole gang sat on the edge of a corner of the dock, with their legs hanging over the side.

            "Yes, I'll bet it would make a great book," Klaus added.

            Hermione smiled.

            "So, erm… how about it? Will you come along?" Ron asked.

            "Well… we haven't really got anything better to do, besides try to find the Quagmires…" Violet said to herself. "Klaus, Sunny, what do you think?"

            "Excal!"  Sunny squealed.

            "I agree with Sunny," Klaus said, and glanced at Hermione.

            "Well, okay. I'll go if you will," Violet smiled.

            "And we'll go if you will," Klaus said cheerfully. This was clearly a very close family.

            "And we'll go… well… we'd like it if you would…" Ron said.

            "Great! You three will be very helpful, I'm sure. We'll try to help you find the Quagmire triplets afterward, if you want," Hermione offered.

            "Sure! This will be fun!" Klaus said.

_Welcome Baudelaires, to our company._

_We appreciate your-_

"Shut up!" Ron growled. "Okay, so in…" He glanced up at the clock beside the Damocles Dock sign. "Twenty minutes, we leave for the other side of the lake. And after going straight for about half a mile, we should end up at a big castle. Any questions?" 

            "What are we going to do while we wait?" Violet asked.

            "We could play ground Quidditch..." Ron suggested.

            "Ground _Quidditch_?" Klaus laughed. "That sounds like a meat dish. What's ground Quidditch?" 

            "Erm…" Hermione hesitated. "It's kind of like… hmm…" She gave Ron a _"you-got-us-into-this-now-get-us-out" _look. 

            "Well, it's a bit like… like football, maybe… no, not really. Here, We'll show you," Ron said.

            Ron, Harry, and Hermione got up and got four balls and two things that looked like extra-large hula-hoops on sticks out of Fatsy's sack.

            "Okay. This big red one is the Quaffle. You pass it around to your teammates and try to throw it through these hoops. Each goal is worth 10 points," Ron explained, and then he and Harry demonstrated.

            "These two black ones are the Bludgers. Since Ground Quidditch isn't really erm… real Qudditch, they are made of rubber, so no one gets hurt. The two Beaters throw them at people, and if one hits you, you have to stand still for ten seconds and drop any balls you're holding. Except if you're holding this." Harry held up the last golden ball. "This is the Snitch. If the Seeker finds it, you win 150 points for your team. Before the game, one of the Chasers, or the Keepers hides it somewhere." 

            "The game lasts for 15 minutes. In real Quidditch, it lasts until the Seeker catches the Snitch, but we don't want to be here all day." Ron laughed. Harry glared at him.

            "_Catches _the Snitch? How do you _catch _something that's on the ground? Where's real Quidditch played, then? You can't play in the sky," Klaus asked.

            If you've ever thrown a surprise party for a friend, then you probably know how everyone except the Baudelaires felt at this particular moment. If you were talking to the person that the surprise party was for, and they were mentioning how no one seemed to remember their birthday this year, and that the only present they've gotten so far was an extremely hideous stuffed alligator, then you would most likely become red, sweaty, or jittery, and try to change the subject as quickly as possible. For the Knights of the Square table, everyone's symptoms were different. Ron turned his trademark red. Harry began sweating and juggling the two Bludgers he had in his hands. Fatsy started doing simultaneous cartwheels and other gymnastic movements. The minstrels impersonated dominoes by standing in a line and falling over each other. And Hermione was nowhere to be seen.

             "Look, Violet! They're performing for us! Great show!" Klaus called.

            "Clap clap clap!" Sunny said.

            There was a loud POP, and Hermione appeared sitting on top of the Damocles Dock sign.

            "Oh…ha… sorry..." she said nervously. "Sometimes I… er… spontaneously apparate."

            "Apparate?" Violet asked.

            "Oh, did I say apparate? I meant… erm…" Hermione started, but then she disappeared with a POP. 

            "Hoodoo!" Sunny shrieked. 

"That… er… sounds like fun! What are our teams?" Violet asked, trying to politely ignore the fact the Hermione was disappearing and reappearing, and everyone else was acting very strange.

            "Let's see," Ron said, when his redness had gone down. He turned to the minstrels. "Do you all want to play?" 

            Three of them stepped forward. 

"Gouf, you may sing to encourage us. Wish us luck!" the lead minstrel told the non-playing one. 

            "Good luck, Smoot!" said Gouf. He sat down on the blanket they had eaten on.

            "All right then, I guess we should separate, to have even skill levels. Fatsy, do you want to be with me?" Ron asked him.

            "Oh, anything, my liege," Fatsy replied, and then joined the group.

            "Right. I guess we'll be with two of the Baudelaires. You guys don't mind, do you? Okay, one minute team huddle!" Ron shouted.

            The group separated into two teams. 

            "I'll be a Beater, what else?" Ron told his team.

            "Sunny, you can be the Seeker. You can go towards the Snitch without the other team seeing you," Violet said. 

            "Vamdi," Sunny agreed.

            ""I'll be a Chaser," the lead minstrel, Smoot, said.

            "Me too," said Violet.

            "That leaves me to be the Keeper," Fatsy said happily.

"Right then. Ready? Break!" Ron shouted.

            Ron's team spread out on the field. Hermione's team lined up on the other side. She had apparated back onto one of the goal hoops, then fallen off in the middle of the huddle.

            "You all start with the ball," Harry told Violet.

            "Erm… okay..." she said.

            "Ready..." said Fatsy.

            "Go!" shouted Klaus from the hoops on the far side.

            The game was going very fast. Violet immediately threw the Quaffle to Smoot, unsure of what to do. Smoot caught it and began to run, but Hermione stopped him with a Bludger. He dropped the Quaffle, and one of the other minstrels picked it up. He ran towards the hoop and threw it, but Fatsy caught it and threw it to Violet.  Violet, a bit more sure of herself, and always the clever one, did a quick fake to the left, and as Klaus dove, she threw it to the right and scored. The game got more and more exciting as it went on, and when it was over, Ron's team won 200 to 150. Harry and Sunny both found the Snitch once, but due to Fatsy's blocking skills, Harry's team didn't score any goals at all. 

            "That was an excellent game, you guys!" Harry said, a bit out of breath.

            "Yeah, you all were great, especially for your first time!" Ron was talking to all of the Baudelaires, but he was only looking at Violet.

            "That was the most fun I've had in a year!" Violet said happily, then she sat down on the ground.

            "Come on guys, we need to go!" Harry said, picking up the balls and hoops. "It's almost one o' clock!"

            "It's okay, we have lanterns. We'll get to the other side before dark, and then we can ask to spend the night at the castle," Ron said.

            "Well, okay, but we've got to leave now. I don't want to be around all of those leeches in the dark," Harry said, and then shuddered.

            "Alright, you baby," Hermione teased. "We'll leave now, so poor wittle Harry won't be in the cold dark with the big mean leeches." 

            Harry laughed. "That's right, let's go."

~*~

            By the position of the sun, the Knights of the Square Table guessed it was about two thirty or three.  They were about halfway across Lake Lachrymose, and to pass the time, the minstrels thought they'd sing a song.

            "Will you please refrain from singing?" Harry asked the minstrels politely.

            "Yes, wittle Harry isn't feewing good right now. He's scared of the big, mean leeches," Ron said.

            "Yes. The leeches are scary, and your singing isn't helping the situation," Harry agreed.

            "Look, guys! We're farther along than I thought! There's the shore!" Ron pointed to a silvery-green line on the horizon. 

            "Yipdoo!" Sunny yelled.

            "Me too!" Klaus said, grinning. 

            "Great!" Harry shouted. "Oh, but we still have to walk to the castle..."

            "So?" Hermione said. "When we get there, they'll probably give us some really nice suite..." Hermione sighed dreamily. "And big fluffy pillows... and canopy beds..."

            "Yeah, that'll be nice..." Ron leaned back as if he was in the fluffy canopy bed right then.

            "Mmm hmm..." Harry murmured.

            With the soft rhythmic sounds of the waves lapping up against the side of the boat, the Knights of the Square Table fell peacefully asleep. 

(A/N: Yes, I _know_ it's three o' clock in the afternoon... but hey, they're tired, okay? Hehe)

~*~

            "Welcome friends. We are gathered before the eyes of the Lord to bring together these two persons, in holy matrimony, to be together for the rest of their lives. Do you, Ronald, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

            Ron looked from the preacher to his fiancé. She was clad in a flowing white gown, and she was beaming from behind her veil. Ron smiled.

            "I do."

            The preacher did a half nod and turned to Ron's left.

            "And do you, Violet, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

            "I do," she said without hesitation, a tear sliding down her face.

            The preacher smiled. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride!"

            Ron turned to his wife. She reached up to pull up her veil, but instead pulled a zipper.  

"Erm… can't we do this… later, honey?" Ron mumbled.

Violet grinned. Ron's eyes followed her hand all the way down to her feet. When the Violet costume dropped down, what hopped out of it was so horrendous, so unbelievably gruesome that I can hardly bear to write it down on this paper. What he saw was none other than…

A small, fluffy, white bunny!

It had big red eyes and long, hideous whiskers. It hopped toward him menacingly, and leaped onto his face…

             Terrified, Ron let out a little yell, sat bolt upright and looked around. He was in a small boat, with a group of other people. Then he remembered why. He looked to see if they had got to the shore yet, and sure enough, the boat was resting on a rocky shore, and there were trees all along the edge of the thin strip of sand. It was totally dark, apart from the dim light streaming from the boat's lantern.

            "Ahhh! Please, Captain, no! I just ate!"

            Ron whirled around. He saw Harry, drenched in a cold sweat, panting and looking around nervously.

            "Harry! What's wrong with you?" Ron was worried at first, until he processed what Harry had said. A sly grin slowly appeared on his face. "You had a nightmare about the leeches, didn't you?"

            "Erm... no... no... of course not. I was um... dreaming... about... er... well..."

            "Are you guys up already? What time is it?" Hermione asked drowsily, still leaning against the side of the boat with her eyes closed.

            "I don't know, Fatsy has the watch," Ron said. He reached over to Fatsy's arm and examined the watch on his wrist. "It's five thirty! We must have been here for a long time!"

            "Well, we were tired. Those minstrels woke us up early yesterday morning, so we barely got any sleep," Harry said, ending in a long yawn. He lied back down and closed his eyes.

            More of the group started to stir.

            "Is anyone still tired?" Ron asked.

            He was answered by a chorus of mumbles and yawns.

            "Sorry?"

            "Yes…" they groaned.

            "Come on! We need to get to the castle! Or at least out of the boat! It will be more comfortable in tents than in here, won't it?" Ron asked.

            More grumbles.

            Ron stood up and rocked the boat violently.

            "Get out! Get out! The boat sinking! We're all going to die! Ahhh!!" he screamed.

            Everyone stirred a bit and grumbled some more.

            "Look, everyone! Huge canopy beds! Just there! Oh, and are those- yes! They are! Hot tubs!" Ron said excitedly.

            Everyone quickly scrambled out of the boat and looked around.

            "There's no beds out here, Ron," Klaus mumbled.

            "No, but there are beds in here!" Ron produced a little fabric square from Fatsy's sack.

            Klaus squinted and put on his glasses. "Ron, have you been sniffing the cinnamon again?" he asked accusingly.

            Ron blushed. "No! Watch!" He threw the square down on the ground and watched it unfold.

            "Wow! That tiny piece of cloth unfolded itself! And in less than five seconds!" Klaus said as excitedly as he could, being half asleep.

            "That's nothing! Come inside!" Ron said gleefully as he led them into the tent.

            The Baudelaires looked doubtful as they entered the spacious tent, but everyone else already knew of its splendor.

            Klaus's jaw dropped to the red-carpeted floor when he saw how huge the tent was, when it looked so small and shabby from the outside.

            Violet's eyes widened when they caught sight of how well furnished the tent was, when it had emerged from such a tiny piece of cloth.

            Sunny gasped quietly when set eyes on the ten huge canopy beds and all of the blankets and pillows assembled on each of them.

            "Well," said Harry, staring at the interior of the tent in amazement. "We're going to sleep well tonight."

~*~

A/N: I'm really sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up, but I didn't have a lot of time to write. We've had loads of projects and stuff to do lately, especially that huge science fair thing. Anyway, I hope this chapter wasn't too boring. I'll make the next one better. I promise. I need suggestions! Suggestions suggestions suggestions! Please?

Thank you.


	5. INTERMISSION and a Letter to the Readers

**_INTERMISSION!_**

(Cheesy salsa background music)

Ummm… hello. This isn't part of the story, it's just a note to you that I haven't stopped writing. Look, uh…. I just wanted to say that I'm really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really sorry that I haven't written in AGES. How long has it been now? Well, I don't know, but it's been at least since February. I'm really, _really_ sorry. 

But, the reason why I haven't written is simply because I can't think of anything to write! I'm having a huge case of writer's block, and it's really getting on my nerves. Please, please, please give me some suggestions! Pleeeease? Cos' I can't think of anything! Tell me what skits to put in and stuff. I'm already putting in the Spanish Inquisition sketch, the Dead Parrot sketch, and the Dirty Fork sketch. Please?

Thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed my sad excuse for a story; your reviews make my day. Hooray for reviewers!

Anyway, please help! Please?

~Charisse


	6. Chapter Five: English Pig-dogs and Spam

Chapter Five

(A/N: Right, well, here it is… back by popular demand… [hehe not really..])

"…Will you marry me?"

Ron found himself kneeling front of a considerably attractive young girl. She smiled at him and nodded.

_'I'm too young to get married…_' he thought. But his dream self obviously didn't care. He stood up and took the girl in his arms.

"Ron... there's something I have to tell you," the girl whispered.

"Yes, Violet?"

MOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

SPLAT!

Ron sat bolt upright in his bed. He looked over at Harry. He was lying in a tangled mess of sheets and blankets with pillows strewn about the floor around his bed. He had a very peaceful look about him, which contrasted deeply with the surrounding area. 

Ron tumbled out of his bed, his legs not quite awake yet, and shook Harry violently.

"Harry! Harry wake up! I-I think we're being attacked!"

"Uhhh… Himioneee, leeme alonnne…"

Ron groaned impatiently and dashed over to the window. He peeked out of the shade. What he saw made him sick to his stomach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He looked back over at Harry.

"Harry GET UP!" Ron hit him hard on the head with a huge pillow.

"Ow!" Harry opened his eyes and squinted at Ron. "G-Ginny?"

"No, you dolt! Here!" Ron threw Harry's glasses at him.

"Ron! What'd you hit me for?"

"Because we're under attack! I-I think… I think someone just shot a cow at us!"

"Ron, we told you not to sniff-"

"I'm not sniffing anything! Look!" Ron stomped to the window and pulled open the shade.

Harry's face turned white, then red, then white, and finally he managed to say, "W-wha…", before he fell back, unconscious, on his pillow.

"_Great._" Ron rolled his eyes and dug his wand out of his wet clothes from last night.

He pointed it up at the ceiling, closed his ears with his free hand and his shoulder, and shouted, "Audious!".

There was a deafening sound like a goose call, and Hermione, Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Harry all screamed, jumped straight out of their beds, and looked questioningly at Ron. He looked very annoyed.

"You all had better be glad I'm a light sleeper. If that attack would have continued, you would all be unconscious and covered in that!" He pointed at the horrible carnage that lay outside the window.

Violet gasped and went white, Klaus looked as if he were about to be sick, Sunny's eyes went wide as she clapped her tiny hands over her mouth, and Hermione took out her wand.

She glared at Ron, went over to the window, pointed her wand outside, and muttered something that sounded remarkably like "peanut butter".

A beautiful patch of pansies and a headstone had instantly replaced the sickening bovine butchery.

Harry, who looked as if he were about to faint again, gasped a small, "Thank you."

"Okay, guys, get dressed," Ron said solemnly. "We need to go. Now. Before they hit us and-"

"Before… _who_ hits us? " Violet asked hesitantly, as if she would really rather not know.

"I don't know…" Ron said, looking very anxious. "Whoever they are, they're probably French. And they probably think we're someone else. But we really need to leave."

The group nodded in agreement, and got dressed. They packed up, Ron folded the tent back into the fabric square, and they set off. They had only walked about a half a mile before they reached a big castle.

***

"Wow," Harry gasped. "That's even bigger than Hogwarts!"

Klaus looked inquiringly at Harry.

"Uhh… Hogwarts is where we go to school." Harry said shortly.

"Bumbo?" Sunny asked excitedly.

"Of course they don't go to school in a castle, Sunny."

"Well, actually, we do," Ron said, with a hint of arrogance.

"Wow! What's it like?" Violet gasped.

"Oh it's-" Ron started, but the Baudelaires never found out how it was to be educated in a castle, because Ron was interrupted by someone with a very heavy French accent, who was standing somewhere on top of the fortress wall.

"'oo is zis, trespassing on our propeirtee?" asked the voice.

"Erm, I'm sorry, sir, but we're kind of just passing by," Hermione called. "You see, we're on a quest."

"Please let us by?" Harry asked timidly.

"And if you have some food, or something, we- ow!" Hermione elbowed Ron hard in the ribs.

"I weel certainlee not let you by!" the French man shouted indignantly. "You are English types-a!"

Ron was taken aback. "And what are you, exactly?" he asked, trying to hide his annoyance.

"I'm French! Why do you zink I have this outraaaaageous accent, you silly git!"

"What are you doing in England, then?" he asked.

"Mind your own business!"

"Let us by!" squeaked Fatsy. "Or my liege Sir Ronald will make you wish you would have been more hospitable!"

"Fatsy!" Hermione hissed.

"And what exactly is 'e going to do to me, you silly English kiiiiiiinigots!" 

"He's got a wand, you know!" Fatsy yelled, struggling against Harry and Hermione's attempt to keep him quiet. "And he's not afraid to use it!"

"Ha! A _wand?_ 'e's going to hurt me with his _wand_? I am very scared, oui, I am shaking in my armor! Come and get me silly English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! Hahaha!"

Ron went very red, and despite the confused looks on the Baudelaires' faces, and the objective look on Hermione's, he thrust out his wand. His mind raced back to his first year at Hogwarts.

"Wingardium leviosa!"

It was his reflexes.

The French guard rose high into the air.

The Baudelaires gasped in horror and amazement.

"Ack! What have you done to me? Put me down right now!"

"You let us go by peacefully, and I'll let you down." Ron said tensely. "If not..." Ron made a violent gesture with his hands. "Splat!"

"Okay, okay, I will let you go zis time!" the guard yelled as he floated back down to safety. "But do not expect it ze second time, you English kiiiiiiiiinigots!"

When the guard's feet touched the floor, he raced out of sight. Down where the knights were, the drawbridge began to descend. 

The knights walked quickly across the moat, and through a series of courtyards, until they were on the other side of the fortress. 

"I know, I know," Ron sighed, in reply to the Baudelaires' gaze. "I haff some e'splainin' to do."

"Nice imitation," said Klaus. "But Ricky said it more like-"

"Please e'splain," Violet said sternly.

"Okay." Ron took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Harry, Hermione, and I…"

The Baudelaires looked at him intently.

"…Are wizards."

"Excuse me?" Hermione asked.

"Well, Hermione's a witch. Same thing."

"You mean, you can do magic and stuff?" Klaus asked.

"Well, yeah." Ron looked pleadingly at the Baudelaires.

There was a long pause.

….

…

…

…

…

"Brilliant!" Violet exclaimed.

Everyone exhaled.

"But… why didn't you tell us before?" Violet asked.

"Well, actually, Muggles aren't really supposed to know," Ron said. "It's a big secret."

"Dookoo?" Sunny asked.

"She means-"

"Muggles are non-magic people," Fatsy answered.

Everyone turned around to face him.

Fatsy smiled.

"Oy!" Harry exclaimed. "Look up there!" He was pointing to a small wooden building, a few yards up the trail. There was a sign hanging down over the door that read, "Stomping Stallion".

***

The Knights of the Square Table sat at a very long oval-shaped table in the corner of the tavern. The Stomping Stallion was full of tough biker-looking men, a few sailors, and some Vikings. There were a few scantily dressed women walking around taking orders. The whole building smelled strangely of pork.

One of the women walked over to their table. "What'll ya have?"

"Erm… well, what've you got?" asked Ron.

The waitress looked briefly at the ceiling, as if this question was very painful to answer.

Ron looked up there, too, but he didn't see what was so interesting.

The waitress sighed.

"Well, there's eggs and bacon; eggs sausage and bacon; eggs and Spam; eggs bacon and Spam; eggs bacon sausage and Spam; Spam bacon sausage and Spam; Spam eggs Spam Spam bacon and Spam; Spam sausage Spam Spam bacon Spam tomato and Spam…"

The Vikings at the nearby table started to sing. "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…"

"...Spam Spam Spam eggs and Spam; Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam spam Spam..."

"**Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam**!" the Vikings sang. The minstrels grinned at each other and joined in.

"...Or Lobster Thermidor a Cravette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and Spam."

"Have you got anything without Spam?" Hermione asked, having to yell to be heard over the singing. "I'm allergic."

"Well, there's Spam egg sausage and Spam, that's not got much Spam in it," the waitress called back, glaring at the minstrels and Vikings.

"But I don't want _any_ Spam!" Hermione shouted. The singing was getting louder. "Can't you just give me eggs, bacon, sausage and Spam without the Spam?"

"Arrrrrggh!!"

"What do you mean, 'Arrrrrggh!!'?" Hermione bellowed. "I'm allergic to Spam! My tongue will swell up and get hives!"

"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!"

"Shut up!" the waitress screamed.

"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!"

"Shut up!!" The Vikings and minstrels stopped singing. "Bloody Vikings. You can't have eggs, bacon, sausage, and Spam without the Spam! It ruins the dish!"

"I'm ALLERGIC TO SPAM!" Hermione howled.

"Shhh, Hermione, I'll have your Spam. I love it," Ron said. "I'll have Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam baked beans Spam Spam Spam."

"LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!!"

"Shut up!!" the waitress yelled. "Baked beans are off."

"So I can have her Spam instead of the baked beans then?" Ron bellowed.

"**LOVELY SPAM!! WONDERFUL SPAM!!!"**

"You mean Spam Spam Spam Spam-"

But it was too late.

The Spammy singing drowned out every other sound in the tavern.

**"LOVELY SPAAM!! WONDERFUL SPAAAM! LOVELY SPAAAM!! WONDERFUL SPAAM! SPA-A-A-A-A-A-AM! SP-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM! LOVELY SPAM! (LOVELY SPAM) LOVELY SPAM! (LOVELY SPAM) SPAM! SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!**

The Knights of the Square table covered their ears with their hands and ran off and out of the tavern.

They all leaned against a big tree and caught their breath.

"Are the minstrels still in there?" Ron asked.

"I guess…" Harry panted.

"That- was- awful!" Hermione gasped.

"I know! And I'm still really, really hungry," Ron groaned along with his stomach.

"Me too," Klaus said. "But what can we do? There's probably not another place to eat within miles! We _are_ in the middle of a forest."

Hermione smiled. "I have an idea."

***

They snuck around to be back of the kitchen.

"I don't know about this, Hermione… I mean, these people are Muggles, and-"

"It's okay. I'll distract them. Watch." Hermione tiptoed over to the open window and pointed her wand at some dustbins in the kitchen. She muttered something that sounded like "juicy fruit", and the dustbins started throwing their contents all over the room. Some empty Spam containers flew onto the stove and caught fire. The greasy-looking cook took off his pink-stained shirt and tried to smother the fire with it. It started to give off blue sparks and made a great lot of noise.

"Perfect!" Ron came over to the window and started summoning the non-Spam foodstuffs out of the cabinets. Pretty soon they had a great picnic of eggs, bacon, tomatoes, and lobster. The baked beans were off.

Hermione had the common decency to put out the fire and repair the dustbins, but the cook's shirt still gave off the occasional blue spark.

***

(A/N: Whew! I'm sooo glad I finally finished another chapter! Thanks a lot for your suggestions, guys! And thanks to Flame M. for the suggestion of the Spam sketch! Yay! Sorry, I'm just really happy. I wrote this chapter in about an hour, so sorry if it's bad. But the only way I can get better is if you tell me what's wrong! LoL come on I can take the criticism! Oh yes, and sorry I took so long, and sorry it's so short. Really. But at least now I've started back and am writing now! I promise I'll never stop for that long again if I don't have a good reason. :o) Oh yes, and if you want to hear the Spam song, Here it is )


End file.
